Paradoxical Creativity

Those of us who decide, consciously or unconsciously, to welcome creativity in our lives, are learning how paradoxical this could be.

Creativity, aiming to do something creative, or studying ourselves as potentially creative beings, we do often do so with the conviction that we have been called to do so.

Only that this call is made to many.

We feel uniqueness, being blessed or cursed, as if we are not in full control of our actions.  

And yet, with some practice and habits (as I wrote earlier in this blog), we learn to cultivate some ways in which we feel 'in the driving seat, of that inspiration, a silent driving to destinations we don't know.

Elizabeth Gilbert writes in her book "Big Magic", that there are forces making the above possible (the welcoming of the call, the working silently).   As human beings we are to respect and cultivate such forces in what Gilbert calls a partnership.  

We are to trust such forces, as we trust when we love someone.   We are to make sure that we do not scare them with our anxieties, fears or attempts to over control them.

We are to respect them, if they decide to leave us, temporarily, whilst they find better hosts, whilst we regain our sense of awe to the universe, whilst we regain our trust in them.

With creativity, we stop thinking too much about ourselves, and let enjoyment take over, but not to the point of harming our bodies or other beings.   

We are to host creativity, look after it, but also look after ourselves, our financial and economic sanity.

The more we are able to understand this paradoxical creativity, and treat it like a good old friend who wants the best for us, and who cannot be told exactly who to be friends with, the better.

The wonders of creativity have made Gilbert's book possible, and I believe they have made my own contributions possible too.  

In my new project, I am hoping not to scare creativity away with the demands of daily life.   I also hope not to obsess with it.  Rather I hope to continue working on it, sanely and in tune with forces that I cannot control.   

That, perhaps is the biggest challenge.  To do so with enjoyment and gratitude. Even if the end result is not only mine, or unique.   

Dear creativity, let us sit together in silence, and let us keep working.  

My creativity syndromes

After my last post on creativity habits, which I hope sound positive and encouraging, now I would like to share my 'negatives' about creativity.   I decided to call them syndromes, as this last word seems to be more recognized and acknowledged.

A sticker from Hyper-Japan Fair,2019

My creativity syndromes are certain habits and ways of thinking about myself and the world that do not help me.  In a nutshell, they keep me with fear and doom about my creative work.   They are now easy to spot, but difficult to manage, specially because they are ingrained in how I think about myself and the world around me.   

I seem to have acquired them when growing up. They probably helped me for a while, but now they seem to be in the way of me trying to live more creatively.    They drain my energy, and make me feel miserable at times.  

Because of these and other reasons, they need to be identified. So here they are:   

• Misplaced loyalty: I tend to overcommit to clans or tribes.   My commitment of saving the world by writing about it often leads me to say yes without thinking too much.   I give my allegiance to people and causes which, after a while, end up draining my energy because they do not align with my inner values or motivations.   I overdo helping those who have trouble in their academic careers, those with few friends, those who insist in working with me or those who praise me. I create unbalanced relationships in which I am willing to give more than what I receive. 

• Perfectionism.  I grew up thinking that I could become one of those ancient Kings (including Jesus Christ) that I read about in a book of Sacred Religious Catholic history: Noble and helpful, one which never complained and did good to everyone around; never tired, living according to high moral standards.  When I talked about this to a psychotherapist many years ago, he told me that I had a wrong idea about being 'good':  Jesus Christ expelled those who were trading in a sacred place!. It is difficult for me to accept failure and I fear failing.   So I often decide not to try, specially when there is strong competition around me. However, I also react when I see that things are not right.  

• Being an imposter.  I keep thinking:   Did I really deserve praise?   Do people really value me or my work?  Combined with the above misplaced loyalty and perfectionism, I have these moments of anxiety where I decide that what I do is not enough and I fear that someday, someone is going to 'find out', so I work harder.  

Life has taught me (sometimes the hard way), that these syndromes are not good for my health and thus for my creativity.   I now recognize more often and earlier when these syndromes show up. When they do,  I try to give myself a hug and say:  I am OK, I am good enough.   Work is just work.   Life is bigger than this or that situation.

I recently heard someone suggesting that we need to look at our relationship with both success and failure, so that we keep a balance in the stories about these guys that we entertain in our minds.   Wise words...

This guy will always make me feel special

I also try to remind myself now and again that what I creatively do has to do with my own personal values, and that they are good enough.   When I feel anxious, I talk to loved ones, to colleagues that do not take life too seriously, to people who know what I have been through or .  Or even if they do not know, they who are not judging me as hard as I judge myself.

To my dear creativity syndromes:   You are welcome to visit, but not to stay too long, I have more important things to do in life, and that includes being creative!