- Is this project or idea what is needed?
- Why?
- What do I want to achieve?
- What is my identity here, is it too fixed?
My thoughts of seeing the world through systems thinking. The opinions contained in the posts are my responsibility. Please bear in mind that this blog is not made for commercial purposes, so the frequency of posts is aligned to my own work-life balance and circumstances.
My workplace is moving on as you may have gathered from previous posts. At a meeting this week I did not recognise half of the people attending. Most of them joined in the last two years. And if felt strange in many ways.
As if I was now one of the oldest people who have been away for two years. Years of rushing to prepare online material in the midst of hot summer and with a view of a pool in the garden, tempting me to jump in and stay and forget about lock downs.
Years of teaching with a mask, almost choking in my first session, not sure how far I could be from the audience and aiming to put a smile. Quantitative methods teaching with a mask, a challenge, also because it was the first time being in the big auditorium as a lecturer. And as time went by, I felt more confident. Letting colleagues carry on.
Years of being at home and delivering sessions where it felt I was on a radio program. Not seeing people's faces and assuming they were there. Struggling to get a response and when it came, feeling elated if not scared. People were there.
Years of juggling, children at home and with home work, one of the least pleasant experiences. How could we replicate their classroom, their teaching methods, whilst attending to other things? Perhaps I did not have what Mary Catherine Bateson calls peripheral vision, this communicative capacity to jointly improvise and adapt to situations that has at its core the idea that we are fluid selves. Perhaps as a result I was not self-compassionate enough to lower standards, or if I did, I felt frustration.
Years of asking if I was or am in the right career. Reading Sir Ken Robinson's finding your element helped me realise I am good at connecting people with learning opportunities, and having as well as developing original ideas in my teaching as well as in my writing.
I can, but not fully enjoy writing journal articles, unless I can see how they reflect what I am: someone that likes to promote coexistence even if it often affects me negatively. Someone that enjoys being alone as well as in the company of just a few.
And someone that still fears disappointing others. But I am better at managing this. The last two years taught me that I can be absent and the world is not going to crumble.
So before I forget: There is no need to be too worried about what comes next. Let us keep the worries in check. And people are there, even if we do not see them.
This new year brings more testing, and not necessarily for COVID-19.
Having lived through several lockdowns and uncertainties, it might be time for us to test ourselves on how well aligned are our values to what we do at work and elsewhere.
It might be that our self-defensive habits have taken over, leading us to strongly protect some imaginaries like our own images of ourselves or others.
Or our 'nostalgic' pictures of what the world was or needs to become ('normal' again?).
And in the process, we might have adopted thoughts or behaviours that keep us ‘safe’ from the scrutiny of others and the world in general. We could also have developed other habits or adopted thoughts which we considered very alien, and are now part of who we think we are.
Myself, I considered that I am now more of a facilitator of learning than a traditional lecturer, although I still keep some habits in and outside the classroom. My values of dedication and commitment remain, for good or bad. I have adopted my teaching material to suit more shorter events and also use of other online resources from publishers. And I still aim to propose creative assignments to my students, teaching face-to-face whenever required.
So I do not think I have been afraid of change, only that I have somehow changed at my own pace (not too fast, not too slow). There are costs. I feel drained at the end of the week. Maybe I have tried to hard to instil enthusiasm in myself and my students. Perfection, again.
Perfection, an old habit, and also, I have adopted some unhelpful thoughts: “There is no body else that can do what I do; If I don’t do this the world comes to an end. I am here to right all the wrongs encountered; everyone should be committed to help students, and if not I must intervene. It is the pandemic “.
Some of these thoughts align with my values of dedication and commitment. But others don’t. I appointed myself to be a saviour, when colleagues are also paid to do their job. I value time with family and time for thinking too. I cannot right all the wrongs or help everyone that comes my way. It is really not possible.
What else do I value?
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| Royal Holloway Students with John Thurlow, Project Manager |
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| Diverging in formulating several possibilities before deciding |
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| A combined app and device |
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| IMT students presenting their work |
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| Student Elise Deffain from IMT |
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| Sahid and Imed from IMT, Myself and Ines from Royal Holloway |
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| Staff members from IMT Business School, Ines and Myself |
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| IMT Incubator Hall of Fame |
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| Me talking during the seminar (I was just getting started!) |
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| Ines and myself at the IMT business/technology incubator. Be mindful of the alien! |
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| Near Tarragona with Teresa |
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| Students and staff at URV |